Bear Valley, CA…Ski Resort conglomerate Vail Resorts has purchased little known California Ski Area Bear Valley in a bid to lower the time their customers spend in lift lines. Locals are delighted an out of towner has embraced the true value of Bear Valley Mountain Resort. The final sale price from Skyline resorts to Vail resorts is unknown but sources say this amount would be covered by Vail lift ticket sales in the next 3 days.

Bear Valley is located in the sparse and rugged Sierra Nevada, more than 3 hours from San Francisco. Travel time to this resort has reduced over the years but a full 2 hours on single lane highway keeps even the most passionate family away. “As long as Tahoe resorts are situated so close to the freeway, Bear Valley will always be unknown to most.” Says long-time local Mark Silverstone.

Once in Bear Valley, the complicated signage and lack of staff keep most skiers and snowboarders away from the slopes. Our very own reporter drove into Bear Valley village only to find a sign “exit to highway” and no ski lifts in sight. This is a problem many people have to overcome but Bear Valley embraces it and seems be thriving on a lack of customers. Of the few customers that make it to the top of a yet un-named mountain, skiers and snowboarders look over the picturesque Mokeuleme canyon, 4000 feet below.

It is this passion for emptiness that drove Vail Resorts to purchase the resort for a yet undisclosed sum. A Vail Resorts spokesperson today said “Ski resort metrics companywide are important to us and Bear Valley has an average lift wait time of 5 seconds. This will allow us to advertise heavily in the Denver area with the slogan ‘2016/17 lift lines reduced by 3 minutes.’ We are planning to invest all profits from the resort back into capital improvements and customer satisfaction. Should the performance of Bear Valley meet or exceed expectations, further investment would be required to keep the time spent in lift lines to a minimum.”

“Vail resorts has to commend the current regime for their excellent work both on and off the hill. Mountain operations has done a great job managing the few people that are able to make it onto the snow. It is the de-marketing department that we are most drawn to, with a customer base in the millions and world class terrain, somehow they are able to keep people away.”

An area man who refused to be named cited the 1975 county bylaw which protects Bear Valley Mountain from becoming overrun by celebrities and tourists. “The Powder Preservation Act protects powder for the people and allows fresh turns for days.” Details on the Act were unavailable at the time of publishing but critics say it is responsible for the decline in Bear Valley skiers. Some specifications of the act are to run all chairs at half speed in the event of snowfall of more than 12 inches. Another is closing large areas of the resort, just so locals can ski home via all fresh tracks.

Bear valley has had a rocky few years since Canadian based Dundee Realty realized they had purchased a ski resort in California to go along with the “neighbouring” Arapahoe Basin in Colorado. In an even bigger surprise, Skyline resorts purchased Bear Valley in the summer of 2014. Primarily a Golf resort company, Skyline was out of its depth in the 30 feet of snow Bear Valley receives each year. They realized their mistake after the only golf played in Bear Valley was by hippies with Frisbees.

Vail Resorts is contemplating continuing the trend of empty promises and cited the master plan for 1000 new condos as Dundee and Skyline have done before. Some wisdom was professed by the CFO though, “Vail does not see squirrels and bears as a viable source of housing income, therefore will be halting all development. We have come to a unanimous decision that the best time to launch this will be just before the next housing market crash. As for a new chairlift to the resort, this will only come after all second hand bus stock in California has been exhausted.”
A combination of location, local bylaws and a passion to be unknown have lead Vail to the perfect opportunity.

Vail is hoping the Bear Valley motto of skier satisfaction will spread to every corner of their empire, as long as they pass the ticket office first. Good things will come to those who wait, but in Bear Valley’s case, that will be on the chairlift, not in the lift line.